**EDIT ADDED AND LINK CORRECTED**
I just got an email from the HRC (Human Rights Campaign). I can't watch the video, because I don't have time to be pissed off, write letters to Utah's Senate, at the moment. I will later, trust me.
Letter from HRC President, Joe Solemonese:
So what's America's greatest threat? The weakest economy in 80 years? Widespread layoffs, bank collapses, meltdown in the auto industry and a housing crisis?
Not according to Utah State Sen. Chris Buttars. In a recent interview obtained by HRC, he says America's greatest threat is the LGBT community. He goes on to call lesbian and gay relationships "abominations" and claims LGBT people lack morals.
Just appalling. We need to make sure that these kinds of remarks by a public official do not go unanswered.
Words matter. They can't just be laughed or shrugged off. In the interview, Sen. Buttars calls LGBT people "the meanest buggers I've ever seen" – this kind of rhetoric creates an atmosphere of hatred that incites violence against LGBT Americans.
Here are a few more lowlights from Buttars' vile rant:
* LGBT people "are destroying the Constitution."
* Their "number one goal is to proselytize to youth" and use schools as "a recruiting station."
* Thanks to them we are, "moving toward a society that has no morals."
* They will "destroy the foundation of American society... In my mind, it is the beginning of the end."
Watch the video on youtube.
More to come on this later.
**EDIT**
The clip provided by the HRC doesn't give context, but it's enough. Enough to make me completely lose respect fro Sen. Buttars.
He asked, "What are the morals of a homosexual?" and answers himself, "You can't answer that because anything goes."
Hahhah. What are the morals of a straight person? Are they all completely sin free and non-judgemental like Sen. Buttars obviously is?
"They talk about being nice. They're the meanest buggers I've ever seen."
The first problem I have with this, is if you're blatantly homophobic and make comments like Buttars has, you're not going to get very good reception from the gay community. Just like you straights, we don't like being treated like a piece of rubbish. My second problem is his use of the term "bugger," which literally means "anal intercourse," maybe he's just an idiot and that's an unfortunate choice of words whose meanings he isn't quite sure about, or maybe he has the gall to insinuate promiscuity in the gay community. ''
And tell me, how are gay people destroying the Constitution? We embrace what this country was built upon. We embrace the freedom to be who we are. Are we somehow bastardizing free speech to use the word lover, partner, and mate to describe someone of the same-sex? Tell me how we've touched the constitution. Because I want to know. Because if we already have, maybe we can again, so I can marry and have the same rights as everyone else.
I thought we'd moved past gay people acting as recruiters in schools a long time ago. I know a girl who fears her future career as a teacher, because she's gay. What happens when she's out in the community with her partner? Will she be blamed for the 10% of people who have been coming out since the beginning of human kind? Like Harvey Milk said in the 1970s, "If children emulated their teachers, we'd have a lot more nuns running around."
Do you know who lacks morals, Sen. Buttars? The man that judges his fellow man. That accuses a diverse group of people-- just a diverse as the straights-- of entirely lacking morals. Of being SOLELY RESPONSIBLE for the decay of society... Instead of blaming those who are responsible. The blatantly uneducated bureaucrats that stand in front of a nation and condemn.
I understand that Buttars is from a heavily conservative state... and here's the thing I DON'T CARE. It's still unacceptable. Somewhere in Utah, there's a kid listening. A kid who is learning from people like Buttars to believe that he is wrong for loving.
"Before you echo Amen in your home or place of worship, think and remember. A child is listening."
- Mary Griffith
Take it from Mary Griffith. Her son, Bobby Griffith was driven to kill himself because his mother couldn't accept his sexuality and continued to try to cleanse him through religion. No more mothers have to lose their sons. No more sons have to feel as though they are wrong for feeling in a way that they can't help.
Just... end hate speech. End discrimination. And elect no more closet-case bigots like Buttars to office.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Milk
[Youtube Link]
I just finished this film. The film was criticized... mainly for its inclusion of openly gay characters.
It was one of the best films I've seen in my entire life. It is the real life of Harvey Milk, a major asset to gay rights in the 1970s, and the first openly gay man ever elected to public office in the United States.
From his tireless campaigns and willful facing and fighting of adversity, Milk is a hero to us all. And as he said, not just gays, the blacks, the asians, the elderly, the disabled, all of the us's, all of the minorities.
Harvey Milk did the right thing. He fought on an impossible front and won the majority of the battles, at great personal sacrifice. And still, today, he touches people. The only school for LGBT students and other students who have a high risk of being the victim of bullying was opened in his honor. (An estimated 160,000 students miss school every day out of fear for being bullied because they are LGBT) In NYC, Harvey Milk High School continues to spread what Harvey Milk taught, not only tolerance, but whole-hearted acceptance of the people that society has ostracized for no justifiable reason.
There was one quote that hit me really hard.
Two days after I was elected I got a phone call and the voice was quite young. It was from Altoona, Pennsylvania. And the person said “Thanks”. And you’ve got to elect gay people, so that thousands upon thousands like that child know that there is hope for a better world; there is hope for a better tomorrow. Without hope, not only gays, but those who are blacks, the Asians, the disabled, the seniors, the us’s: without hope the us’s give up. I know that you can’t live on hope alone, but without it, life is not worth living. And you, and you, and you, and you have got to give them hope."
Altoona is still a town with little hope for gay people. Here, in this little town, I've been glared at, I've been talked about, I've been called a dyke to my face. But in Altoona, off of campus, you get warned that it's not safe. It's not safe to be a young person in the darker parts of the small city, much less an openly lesbian young woman. And I remember, the night of the election, on the computer, watching Prop 8. I was watching for that hope. I did get hope in one sense, a straight man who openly supports gay rights was elected to the white house, and for that I'm thankful. But I also watched Blair county turn red, in fierce support of a man who believes that puritanical garbage should make it impossible for me to live in the same manner as a straight person, and a running mate who believes that her "friend" chose to be a lesbian, her "friend" chose to be marginalized by a society of uneducated bigots.
Harvey Milk's fight still isn't over. I talked to a friend a few weeks ago; she is going to school to become a teacher. She's afraid the parents of her future students will be aghast to see her with her partner in the community, that she'd lose her job for falling in love with a woman. We still don't have the federal right to not be fired because of who we love.
And Milk is right. You have to be out. The biggest foe is ignorance. The person who thinks gays are depraved and comparable to various deviant acts, has obviously never met one.
So: be out, be proud, and never, ever give up on the movement or on yourself.
Lawrence King
I've been slacking. My updates on here are sorely lacking, but I have been writing about the community, don't get me wrong. So here are a few updates from the not too distant past:
Posted originally on February 14, 2009
[Youtube Link]
It has been a year, today, since Larry King, a 15 year old boy, asked a classmate to be his valentine. The next day, the boy walked into to English class, and shot Larry in the head.
I didn't know Larry. Accounts say that he was a sweet boy, who had never conformed to gender roles. People who knew him say he brought joy to everyone around him.
I remember getting the email, on February 15, 2008, and crying. This should not have happened. Brandon McInerney should not have been brought up in a society that made him feel so threatened by a well meaning gay boy, that he had to take Larry's life and ruin his own.
Rest Peacefully
Lawrence King
January 3, 1993- February 14, 2008
Posted originally on February 14, 2009
[Youtube Link]
It has been a year, today, since Larry King, a 15 year old boy, asked a classmate to be his valentine. The next day, the boy walked into to English class, and shot Larry in the head.
I didn't know Larry. Accounts say that he was a sweet boy, who had never conformed to gender roles. People who knew him say he brought joy to everyone around him.
I remember getting the email, on February 15, 2008, and crying. This should not have happened. Brandon McInerney should not have been brought up in a society that made him feel so threatened by a well meaning gay boy, that he had to take Larry's life and ruin his own.
Rest Peacefully
Lawrence King
January 3, 1993- February 14, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
No on Prop 8
Proposition 8 in CA and Amendment 2 in FL are about HATE. How does a loving couple hurt the sanctity of marriage?
Please, all I want is to be able to marry. Is that really so threatening to people that the Yes on Prop 8 campaign has raised $27,931,045 to fight my right to marry someone I love? No on 8 has only been able to raise $26,683,255, because of IGNORANCE people simply don't know
ONE: what Prop 8 is [it would redefine marriage in CA as between a man and a woman]
TWO: why there is a stigma attached to being gay.
And if you have friends or family who are homosexual, you realize that there is NO GOOD REASON.
PS In FL Amendment 2 would explicitly define that marriage is between a man and a woman, making it a hell of a lot harder to ever get marriage rights for same-sex couples in the state. FL is the same state where same-sex couples can't even adopt a child in need of a home. Please, help change that.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Lawerence King
I was just reading more about Larry King and how the trials for his murderer are proceeding...
If you don't know, Larry was a 15-year-old boy from Oxnard, California. He was openly gay. He asked Brandon McInerney to be his Valentine. The day before Valentines day, this year, Brandon came to school with a gun. He shot Larry in English class.
And
One: McInerney's representation has the audacity to plead NOT GUILTY. Because McInerney, a 14-year-old, is being charged as an adult. While legally, he cannot be charged a minor, they want a charge of manslaughter rather than first degree murder and hate crime. He knowingly killed another human being. At 14 years of age we aren't exempt from the moral codes of everyone else. Youth is not an excuse for ignorance or violence. McInerney's actions should earn him the consequence for first degree murder as a hate crime. Not manslaughter. 53-life won't bring Larry back, but it will speak volumes to McInerney and to those like him.
Two: Larry was a ward of the state. I haven't been able to find the details as to why. But he wasn't in the custody of his parents at the time of his death. He was living in a home for abuse, neglected, and troubled youth. Larry was gender-nonconforming. He wore make-up and high heels to school. His parents, who at the time of his death were not his legal guardians, are suing the school. They're suing the school because the school did not enforce the dress code. This, they claim, made Larry a target.
Being different makes us a target, eh?
It is horrifying that it isn't safe to be different. That people will kill us for being different. That people will sue a societal institution for not making us be the same.
And don't think by "us" I only mean LGBT. I mean each one of us who is does not fit nicely into the norm. I mean us. Those different of orientation, gender identity, race, ethnicity, religion or lack thereof, dress, social standing, and secular opinions.
If you don't know, Larry was a 15-year-old boy from Oxnard, California. He was openly gay. He asked Brandon McInerney to be his Valentine. The day before Valentines day, this year, Brandon came to school with a gun. He shot Larry in English class.
And
One: McInerney's representation has the audacity to plead NOT GUILTY. Because McInerney, a 14-year-old, is being charged as an adult. While legally, he cannot be charged a minor, they want a charge of manslaughter rather than first degree murder and hate crime. He knowingly killed another human being. At 14 years of age we aren't exempt from the moral codes of everyone else. Youth is not an excuse for ignorance or violence. McInerney's actions should earn him the consequence for first degree murder as a hate crime. Not manslaughter. 53-life won't bring Larry back, but it will speak volumes to McInerney and to those like him.
Two: Larry was a ward of the state. I haven't been able to find the details as to why. But he wasn't in the custody of his parents at the time of his death. He was living in a home for abuse, neglected, and troubled youth. Larry was gender-nonconforming. He wore make-up and high heels to school. His parents, who at the time of his death were not his legal guardians, are suing the school. They're suing the school because the school did not enforce the dress code. This, they claim, made Larry a target.
Being different makes us a target, eh?
It is horrifying that it isn't safe to be different. That people will kill us for being different. That people will sue a societal institution for not making us be the same.
And don't think by "us" I only mean LGBT. I mean each one of us who is does not fit nicely into the norm. I mean us. Those different of orientation, gender identity, race, ethnicity, religion or lack thereof, dress, social standing, and secular opinions.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Trevor Project
I added a banner link in the sidebar to the Trevor Project.
The site also features a "Dear Trevor" page, where readers can post their questions and seek help, and "Trevorspace", a safe-space social network for LGBT youth and their allies.
LGBT youth are about 3 times more likely to attempt suicide than their straight counterparts. I'm glad to see another safe place for people who hurt.
Oh, and here's a link to the GLBT National Help Center's Youth Hotline website: link
Stay safe.
Live out.
Live proud.
And be glad you failed. I am.
Established in 1998 to coincide with the HBO airing of the award winning short film, Trevor, hosted by Ellen DeGeneres, The Trevor Helpline is the only nationwide, around-the-clock crisis and suicide prevention helpline for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth.Trevor Project's Official Website
The Trevor Helpline is a free and confidential service that offers hope and someone to talk to, 24/7. The Trevor Helpline's trained counselors will listen and understand without judgment. If you or someone you know would like to talk to one of our highly trained counselors, dial 866-4-U-TREVOR.
The site also features a "Dear Trevor" page, where readers can post their questions and seek help, and "Trevorspace", a safe-space social network for LGBT youth and their allies.
LGBT youth are about 3 times more likely to attempt suicide than their straight counterparts. I'm glad to see another safe place for people who hurt.
Oh, and here's a link to the GLBT National Help Center's Youth Hotline website: link
Stay safe.
Live out.
Live proud.
And be glad you failed. I am.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008
College Life
Oh the wonders of PSU Altoona.
Well, actually not. No one bothered to tell me that college was extremely boring. Extremely is an understatement. College is unfathomably, obscenely boring. Almost as boring as high school but lacking a great deal of the drama.
Oh. And I swear I'm the only gay chick here.
I went to a GSA meeting yesterday, and it was pretty neat. Max, the president is really cool. I'm thinking about trying for an officer position. But anyway, that's not the point. Apparently the vast majority of the membership here has migrated to main campus. So now, the GSA that sounded so cool on the website is like 6 people, including myself.
But I guess it's cool that it's still a pretty active group. The first activity for the year will be National Coming Out Day. Which is, by the way, October 11, but will be held on campus on the 9th. Apparently they're setting up a stage or whatever in the Student Center, and having some people perform and then leaving the stage free for people to tell their own coming out story. That's cool, I guess. I just kind of worry about someone getting outed by some asshole who thinks they're doing them a favour.
Ohhhh!! And I don't have internet. I won't until next Saturday. I don't know what to do with myself. Basically, I sleep and spend absurd amounts of time on the phone. And I clean my apartment. It's so not Cori. Cori uses the internet about 90 hours a day. That's right. 90 hours a day. Don't ask me how it's possible, but in my little world it is.
And have I mentioned how cold it is? I swear. Everywhere it is freezing in this place. Except outside, which is relatively nice if you ignore the fact it's virtually a city out there. People run the air conditioner constantly. I guess that should be expected in a computer lab, but I am like really cold.
Uhh. Well, that's all for now, folks. My life is pretty boring, and I really need to go outside and, to be entirely oxymoronic, chill where it's warm.
Oh. And sorry for the lack of links and pictures. I hate public computers and really don't want to fool with them much. But Google Interlude Magazine. It's an indie lesbian magazine. The first issue was just released and it's amazing.
Well, actually not. No one bothered to tell me that college was extremely boring. Extremely is an understatement. College is unfathomably, obscenely boring. Almost as boring as high school but lacking a great deal of the drama.
Oh. And I swear I'm the only gay chick here.
I went to a GSA meeting yesterday, and it was pretty neat. Max, the president is really cool. I'm thinking about trying for an officer position. But anyway, that's not the point. Apparently the vast majority of the membership here has migrated to main campus. So now, the GSA that sounded so cool on the website is like 6 people, including myself.
But I guess it's cool that it's still a pretty active group. The first activity for the year will be National Coming Out Day. Which is, by the way, October 11, but will be held on campus on the 9th. Apparently they're setting up a stage or whatever in the Student Center, and having some people perform and then leaving the stage free for people to tell their own coming out story. That's cool, I guess. I just kind of worry about someone getting outed by some asshole who thinks they're doing them a favour.
Ohhhh!! And I don't have internet. I won't until next Saturday. I don't know what to do with myself. Basically, I sleep and spend absurd amounts of time on the phone. And I clean my apartment. It's so not Cori. Cori uses the internet about 90 hours a day. That's right. 90 hours a day. Don't ask me how it's possible, but in my little world it is.
And have I mentioned how cold it is? I swear. Everywhere it is freezing in this place. Except outside, which is relatively nice if you ignore the fact it's virtually a city out there. People run the air conditioner constantly. I guess that should be expected in a computer lab, but I am like really cold.
Uhh. Well, that's all for now, folks. My life is pretty boring, and I really need to go outside and, to be entirely oxymoronic, chill where it's warm.
Oh. And sorry for the lack of links and pictures. I hate public computers and really don't want to fool with them much. But Google Interlude Magazine. It's an indie lesbian magazine. The first issue was just released and it's amazing.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Coming Out
Hey, Youtube's video suggestion thing came through for me for once. This is coolkid0076's coming out video. He did it to help people understand what it's like to come out. If you've ever been closeted, you know how hard it is.
[[Youtube link]
My story?
I've been attracted to women as long as I can remember. It was a long time before I found out what that meant, and even longer before I could accept it.
The first time I was gay-bashed, I was 11 years old. The first time I told someone I was a lesbian I was 16. When I was in the 6th grade, a mere 11 year old, the people around me started to date. Me, I wasn't really interested in boys. When we talked about boys, which was only done in the blushing privacy of our young adolescent rooms at the time, I'd make it up. I'd liked so-and-so since I met him or whatshisface was pretty cute.
In all reality, it was the time close to the girls with whom I was discussing it that I enjoyed. I don't mean sexually, at that age, no one really enjoys anything in a sexual sense. But that blushing awkwardness didn't come from the teasing hand of the opposite sex, it came from a hug or a phone call from a best friend. And when I found out that there was something called a lesbian, I was ashamed. I was too ashamed of the fact I might be one of "them" to ever really realize the source of turmoil within me.
The following year, an older girl who was the friend of my best friend figured it out. A rumor spread throughout school like wildfire that I was gay. It hurt. At 12 years old, the last thing you really need is people asking you if you're a lesbian, and if you aren't a lesbian why you're not dating any guys. So I dated guys. I dated guys for 3 or 4 years. And when I'd go through a break up (4 if them) I'd usually end up laughing. I didn't really want that anyway. Oh-- and when I got older and the subject of sex came up? It was absolutely horrible. Sex or oral would come up in conversation, and I wouldn't be able to look at the guy anymore, let alone 'date' him.
Anyway-- to the part that really matters which is of course, when and why I actually came out. Two years ago, my best friend at the time, told our group that she was bi. She said that she was terrified that I would hate her for it. I was professedly homophobic at the time. I was afraid of myself. I cried. I cried that I allowed my own self-loathing to hurt a friend. To make her hide like I had hidden. But I still didn't come out. I participated in so many conversations that made me ache to say it. But I was afraid that would make it real and I'd have to face all of those words I had in middle school all over again.
In June and July of 2007, I went overseas with a group called People to People International. The group of Student Ambassadors was made up of 42 students from all over western Pennsylvania. I became close friends with two girls, one of them being a pretty much out lesbian. No-- you guessed wrong-- nothing ever happened between us, and neither of us would ever have it any different. But instead of just hearing society's lore about crazy bull-dykes, Ellen, Rosie, and Xena and Gabrielle, she was my best friend. Unlike my friend who was bi, she had a girlfriend, and they were (and are to this day) happy together.
I didn't know that lesbians could be happy. I thought for some societally induced and idiotic reason that we were miserable. That all of the people like me mutilated themselves to ease the pain as I had. And then, an old boyfriend told me he still liked me. In my frustration, I told him I wasn't even sure if I was straight. And he didn't hate me. In fact, he talked to me about it in a positive way. He wished me luck with the girl I liked.
I read. I must have read more in the months of July and August of 2007 about LGBT people than most people ever will. I was amazed. There were people just like me. There were people who had struggled the way I struggled. They fell in love with someone of the same-sex and raised a family. I read LGBT YA lit hungrily. I cried when I read Annie On My Mind by Nancy Garden. Empress of the World left me smiling. Keeping You a Secret left me numb.
Then, I went to Ozzfest with Jess and her boyfriend at the time. This was in August 2007. I told her there was something I needed to tell her, but couldn't tell her in front of her boyfriend (he was homophobic, didn't like me, and even ended up asking me that night if I was queer). The next day, I told her. And she told me she might be bi. And I almost died laughing. And crying. And wondering if I'd ever be able to tell her I'd had a crush on her since 9th grade.
And from there, I started to fight for a GSA at my high school. I planned and carried out The Day of Silence 2008 even though my principal opposed me (he said there was no need at the school and that it encouraged public displays of affection). People found out I was gay, and I proudly wore a rainbow bandanna and a shirt I made myself emblazoned "IMRU" in all the colors of the rainbow.
From there, I learned that coming out is a process and so is loving yourself. I didn't tell Jess that I liked her until February of 2008. My sister didn't know I was out until last week. My parents still don't know, but I hope to tell them before October 11, which is Coming Out Day.
Live out. Live Proud.
Closets are for clothes. And I don't even have a damned closet for my clothes... they're in two laundry baskets getting ready to be packed for college.
[[Youtube link]
My story?
I've been attracted to women as long as I can remember. It was a long time before I found out what that meant, and even longer before I could accept it.
The first time I was gay-bashed, I was 11 years old. The first time I told someone I was a lesbian I was 16. When I was in the 6th grade, a mere 11 year old, the people around me started to date. Me, I wasn't really interested in boys. When we talked about boys, which was only done in the blushing privacy of our young adolescent rooms at the time, I'd make it up. I'd liked so-and-so since I met him or whatshisface was pretty cute.
In all reality, it was the time close to the girls with whom I was discussing it that I enjoyed. I don't mean sexually, at that age, no one really enjoys anything in a sexual sense. But that blushing awkwardness didn't come from the teasing hand of the opposite sex, it came from a hug or a phone call from a best friend. And when I found out that there was something called a lesbian, I was ashamed. I was too ashamed of the fact I might be one of "them" to ever really realize the source of turmoil within me.
The following year, an older girl who was the friend of my best friend figured it out. A rumor spread throughout school like wildfire that I was gay. It hurt. At 12 years old, the last thing you really need is people asking you if you're a lesbian, and if you aren't a lesbian why you're not dating any guys. So I dated guys. I dated guys for 3 or 4 years. And when I'd go through a break up (4 if them) I'd usually end up laughing. I didn't really want that anyway. Oh-- and when I got older and the subject of sex came up? It was absolutely horrible. Sex or oral would come up in conversation, and I wouldn't be able to look at the guy anymore, let alone 'date' him.
Anyway-- to the part that really matters which is of course, when and why I actually came out. Two years ago, my best friend at the time, told our group that she was bi. She said that she was terrified that I would hate her for it. I was professedly homophobic at the time. I was afraid of myself. I cried. I cried that I allowed my own self-loathing to hurt a friend. To make her hide like I had hidden. But I still didn't come out. I participated in so many conversations that made me ache to say it. But I was afraid that would make it real and I'd have to face all of those words I had in middle school all over again.
In June and July of 2007, I went overseas with a group called People to People International. The group of Student Ambassadors was made up of 42 students from all over western Pennsylvania. I became close friends with two girls, one of them being a pretty much out lesbian. No-- you guessed wrong-- nothing ever happened between us, and neither of us would ever have it any different. But instead of just hearing society's lore about crazy bull-dykes, Ellen, Rosie, and Xena and Gabrielle, she was my best friend. Unlike my friend who was bi, she had a girlfriend, and they were (and are to this day) happy together.
I didn't know that lesbians could be happy. I thought for some societally induced and idiotic reason that we were miserable. That all of the people like me mutilated themselves to ease the pain as I had. And then, an old boyfriend told me he still liked me. In my frustration, I told him I wasn't even sure if I was straight. And he didn't hate me. In fact, he talked to me about it in a positive way. He wished me luck with the girl I liked.
I read. I must have read more in the months of July and August of 2007 about LGBT people than most people ever will. I was amazed. There were people just like me. There were people who had struggled the way I struggled. They fell in love with someone of the same-sex and raised a family. I read LGBT YA lit hungrily. I cried when I read Annie On My Mind by Nancy Garden. Empress of the World left me smiling. Keeping You a Secret left me numb.
Then, I went to Ozzfest with Jess and her boyfriend at the time. This was in August 2007. I told her there was something I needed to tell her, but couldn't tell her in front of her boyfriend (he was homophobic, didn't like me, and even ended up asking me that night if I was queer). The next day, I told her. And she told me she might be bi. And I almost died laughing. And crying. And wondering if I'd ever be able to tell her I'd had a crush on her since 9th grade.
And from there, I started to fight for a GSA at my high school. I planned and carried out The Day of Silence 2008 even though my principal opposed me (he said there was no need at the school and that it encouraged public displays of affection). People found out I was gay, and I proudly wore a rainbow bandanna and a shirt I made myself emblazoned "IMRU" in all the colors of the rainbow.
From there, I learned that coming out is a process and so is loving yourself. I didn't tell Jess that I liked her until February of 2008. My sister didn't know I was out until last week. My parents still don't know, but I hope to tell them before October 11, which is Coming Out Day.
Live out. Live Proud.
Closets are for clothes. And I don't even have a damned closet for my clothes... they're in two laundry baskets getting ready to be packed for college.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
College
Right now, I'm in Corolla, North Carolina. And let me tell you, it kind of sucks. It's really uncomfortable spending most of my time back in the closet. But that is the nature of the summer, I've been here since school was out in May. And let me tell you, the smell of mothballs gets really tiring. But this week is the blackest part of the night before the dawn. I'm with my entire family in a beach house, and the only person who knows me at all is my 14 year old sister. It's getting really tiring.
Otherwise, it's less than a week until I leave for PennState Altoona. I'm really excited. I chose the campus mostly because it has a GSA, and I fought for a long time to get one in my high school. Don't get me wrong, it's a decent school, but I am really excited about the GSA. I mean, Jess got me an awesome rainbow flag for my bedroom wall in my apartment.
And I won't lie, when I opened that, I started crying. In the last year, though we never dated, we've become closer than I've been with almost anyone. She's shown me how amazing it is to have someone who knows how to make everything okay. She's shown me how utterly awesome it is to have someone to hold, someone you genuinely ache to be near. Wow, am I ever sappy?
That's going to be the biggest challenge, not being able to be near her. (A three hour drive seems longer than ever.) I swear, she keeps me sane. I don't want to see someone else take her place, ever. She's coming with me when I move on the 20th, though.
Another challenge will be living with my roommates. I haven't met them yet or even spoken to them online. I'm mildly terrified that they'll be homophobic or something. I'm conditioned that way. I've been raised so far with a mother who says that gays and lesbians shouldn't be allowed to be teachers or to be around people of the same sex. I'm afraid I'll have a likeminded roommate, afraid that she'll be afraid that I'll be into her or something.
I guess I never really experienced the awkwardness with the opposite sex that most of my peers went through, and now that I'm out I'm getting it like 10-fold in my head with people I might potentially encounter in college. What can I say? I'm a small town girl. Moving into a diverse place with different types of people (and even some people like me!) is slightly insane.
Otherwise, it's less than a week until I leave for PennState Altoona. I'm really excited. I chose the campus mostly because it has a GSA, and I fought for a long time to get one in my high school. Don't get me wrong, it's a decent school, but I am really excited about the GSA. I mean, Jess got me an awesome rainbow flag for my bedroom wall in my apartment.
And I won't lie, when I opened that, I started crying. In the last year, though we never dated, we've become closer than I've been with almost anyone. She's shown me how amazing it is to have someone who knows how to make everything okay. She's shown me how utterly awesome it is to have someone to hold, someone you genuinely ache to be near. Wow, am I ever sappy?
That's going to be the biggest challenge, not being able to be near her. (A three hour drive seems longer than ever.) I swear, she keeps me sane. I don't want to see someone else take her place, ever. She's coming with me when I move on the 20th, though.
Another challenge will be living with my roommates. I haven't met them yet or even spoken to them online. I'm mildly terrified that they'll be homophobic or something. I'm conditioned that way. I've been raised so far with a mother who says that gays and lesbians shouldn't be allowed to be teachers or to be around people of the same sex. I'm afraid I'll have a likeminded roommate, afraid that she'll be afraid that I'll be into her or something.
I guess I never really experienced the awkwardness with the opposite sex that most of my peers went through, and now that I'm out I'm getting it like 10-fold in my head with people I might potentially encounter in college. What can I say? I'm a small town girl. Moving into a diverse place with different types of people (and even some people like me!) is slightly insane.
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